Strawberry or Tropical... What's The Flavour of The Night? The Va-Jay-Jay Is Not A Fruit Bowl!

Not so long ago, I’ve made some loud jokes. Bad jokes. About condoms. Those flavoured ones? Yea, those. I used to make my friends laugh so hard they nearly wet themselves. One of the jokes was, “When you’re working up an earth-shattering-mind-scrambling org*sm, the last thing you want to do is fight off the ants and bugs attracted to the strawberry-flavoured rubber.” Yea, I was young, bold and stupid… not thinking that my own joke will come biting me back in the a*s one day.

Here’s the story.

I’m all about having fun, protective s*x. No worries when you’re a day late on the rags or wondering if you got STD because of that slight itch ‘down there’.  Play safe or play by yourself - that’s the motto.

Anyways. I am not promiscuous. Not anymore. Well, not since college anyway. I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends, lovers – plenty of wonderful memories and some that still make me go *facepalm* until today.

Take for instance my recent tumble-under-the-sheet rendezvous with a friend, a very very dear guy, whom right from the first year of our friendship, we’ve established that we were better off as friends, because we may never be this close again if we didn’t work out romantically.

We both lived individual lives with no common friends and had respective relationships. You can say we pretty much behaved with hands by our sides for the first few years before adding some sss-pice into the second half of our friendship. It’s the same story but with a slight twist to the plot. But still, no expectation. No “why haven’t you called me?” or “are we meeting tonight?” Nope. Nada. We've been through months even years (the longest was three years) without seeing each other, only keeping tabs through social media, Whatsapp or the occasional phone calls to ask, “Monkey, are you still alive??”

For the last four years I’ve been monogamous with my friend. We’re so comfortable with each other that no reminder needed about bringing over some 'supply' to the house, except of course when the existing supply had exceeded its expiry date. Regardless, he'll always have a fresh-bought packaged tucked in his pants whenever he comes around.

Such a good boy.

Well, for that bit about being such a gentleman.

The one pet peeve I have with him is – he never checks the damn LABEL!

Whenever he produced a package, I'd always asked, "Oh, what kind did you get?”

And the reply? “I don’t know. I just grabbed one.” Seriously?

Most of the time, it was alright. No biggie.

But what happened last night finally broke the camel’s back.

It was our first meet after being apart for nearly a year and a half. We went to a local bar for drinks. We talked. We listened to good music. We had some laughs. It was fun – something we haven’t done in ageeess.Then we got back to my place. Had more laughs. Then he took out the package.

**Deep sigh**  

The packaging was amazing. The packets neatly tucked into circular-shaped plastic container with taglines ‘Super Studs’ and ‘Extra Large Studs For Maximum Stimulation’ screamed guaranteed satisfaction in the sack. Rrrright.

Here’s the best part. Or should I say, the worst?

Durian. 

Yup, my gorgeous buddy bought DURIAN-FLAVOURED condoms!

SCARRED FOR LIFE
 Whoever created this, should be 
shot on sight

When I saw those words, I was speechless. Then pissed off. Of all the flavours available, he gotta buy the ones in the flavour of the smelliest fruit in the world!!!

Now, here’s the thing. I don’t think my friend did it on purpose, to play tricks on me. In fact, I don’t think he realized what he had done. He was straight-faced the entire time. Adamant that the word ‘DURIAN’ printed on the packaging was just an emphasis on the description on the hard studs on the latex. But dude, come on! When he tore open the foil packet, the smell was UNBEARABLE!

"It is not durian". He stood to his ground. 

And I stood to my ground too, "That thing’s not coming near me”.

NO WAY, dude. My va-jay-jay is not a fruit bowl! 

A gentleman as always, he took a taste and once again reaffirmed that he was right. I did the same taste-test and I was right too. Exaggeration aside, it did taste like the fruit. Well, not really. It was rather sweet and not too overpowering like the actual fruit, which was means a lot as I generally do not eat durian. In fact, I fu**king hate it. Can’t stand being even a foot from it. Even with the promises of ‘glow in the dark’ and 'limited edition' were completely lost to me.

Maybe it was the alcohol (I had one beer… such a lightweight) or from not 'gettin' some' for more than a year, I gave in. We went for it. Durian rubber and all. And it was good. Awesome. As always. But after he left, I still had the feeling of being stuffed by the disgusting fruit that I went straight into the showers and scrubbed myself raw. But. The. Smell. Was. Still. THERE!!

Even to the morning, with more shower, more scrubbing, I’d get wafts of that sickening sweet smell on me. So much so that, I was belching for a good part of day before it died down. 

Gawd… what a traumatic experience. No more bloody flavoured condoms for me.

Here some lessons learned:

1. DON’T BE A LAZY LOVER

As much as you trust your partner, trust your gut instinct more. Buy and keep your own stash of protection. Satisfaction DEFINITELY guaranteed.

2. ASK

This is for you and your partner. Please ask what kind or should I say ‘what's the flavour of the night’ would be. Saves a lot of trouble for more org*sm-making time. 

3. READ THE F*CKING LABEL

For the love of mind-blowing session, please please PLEASE read the label. Grab and go is not an option. We women are accommodating, but not THAT accommodating. We have our limits too.

4. FLAVOURED OR PLAIN? 

While 'flavour designers' (if that's what they're called) are getting more and more creative in their creations of unique tastes for those boring-looking protections, I'm all for it. The thing is, some of us are happy with plain ol' TLC. No flavour needed.

5. WE STILL HAD A GREAT TIME

Despite the durian fiasco, I haven’t had that much fun with anyone for the longest time. It felt good to have someone who doesn’t judge you for the way you are, the way you look, what you do and most importantly, paid all the attention to you and no one else when he’s with you.

So thank you, friend, you’re one of a kind. Irreplaceable. Like I’ve said before, you have a special place in my heart. Always. And I look forward to more cringe-worthy moments with you. You awesome, bro!

P/S: Dear Friend, I know you'll probably freaked out reading this blog, but honestly, this is one experience we've just gotta put it down on paper!  

So, what's your condom trouble? Would love to hear your 'flavour of the night' gone bitterly wrong.

Family Reunion

The girl woke with a start, 

Startled by the sounds, that broke the silence of the night.

What was that?

She pulled the duvet down and peered out, 

Darkness... except for the clock by the bed, it's light blinking bright. 

Alarmed by the noise, but too afraid to move or make a sound, 

She laid still in her bed, ears perked up, listening,

to the sounds that woke her in the middle of the night. 

Ping, pang, clang!

Sounds like a frying pan placed on the stove. 

Papa used to talk of his mother, Oma, and how she's famous for cooking a storm.

Thud, scrape, thud!

Sounds like the landing and scrapping of heavy feet across the carpeted floor. 

Mama used to describe Granny, after the stroke, and her struggle to walk. 

Phewt, phew, phewt!

A happy's man tune. 

Papa loved to whistle, on and on, whenever in good mood. 

The girl loosened her grip, the duvet fell to her chin, 

Comforted by the sounds that reminded her of distant memories. 

Oma's cooking, movie time with Granny, 

Quiet day at home, with Papa whistling a tune from a song only he knew. 

Another memory came to mind, 

She froze, eyes drifted back to clock by the bedside, 

Tonight's the night, 

When the dead comes out to play in plain sight.

Unnerved, petrified by fear,

Her ears picked up another noise,

Soft creaks as her room door, 

Opened wide without a pause, 

The voices came through the darkness, in loud whispers,

"Did you miss us when we were gone?"

Created: 11/09/2016 @ 1.47am

Writer's note: Losing your loved ones is never easy. We tend to hear sounds that remind us of the good old days. I wanted to write this in a short story format, but then I thought, hey it'd be cool to write in as a poem. So enjoy!

The Girl Born On Tuesday

The girl was born on Tuesday,

Nobody remembered anything else,

except for the day. 

The sky was clear, turquoise blue, 

The grass was so green, emerald was put to shame.

The girl was born on Tuesday, 

"Spare the flowers," her mother had said, 

"Nothing as lovely as a newborn's scent."

But there was something extraordinary

about this girl born on Tuesday, 

Her skin pale near white, 

Her limbs not rigid... but slight, 

Her eyes opaque, 

with a tinge of the deep blue sea

should there be life. 

Alas, she lived not even a day.

At dawn she came, 

By noon she was gone. 

Everyone remembered nothing else on that day, 

except for the mother saying her final goodbyes

to the girl born asleep, that Tuesday.

Created: 22/08/2016 @ 10.58pm